We may not like the choices that we have, but we do get to choose

 

We may not like the choices that we have, but we do get to choose. Yves Daly Ward





I started meditating while I lived in Uganda. I just wanted to feel better, feel better about myself, where I was and where I was going. Confessions - it was in a moment of desperation.


Previously I was not a fan of meditating, too many thoughts would come into my mind and I would not know what to do with them.  I felt uncomfortable. I would talk to myself in the middle of the process- am I doing it right?, how much longer? I feel hungry. Anything that came up in my mind I latched on, held on to and analyzed. In the end because I could not "control the process" I deemed it to be a waste of time.  I earnt that when I cannot control a process, I get scared, I do whatever it is to control it. When I cannot, I feel like a failure.  Huge lesson is- I cannot control everything and I am not a failure.


I believed that I  was either meditating wrongly, or it was a waste of time. Until that day I decided to leave the thoughts alone. I remember sitting at the table where I would usually sit to meditate and the thoughts came up and I said to them "here you come again, pass me by please" the moment I said that, everything just got darker, more quiet and I felt an ease that I could not explain. The thoughts were coming up and whizzing by. I started to cry because I felt so peaceful in that dark place. Dark meaning that my eyes were closed I could not see what was going on, yet it felt safe. 

The following day I wanted to recreated the experience, I sat at the table, started, the thoughts came up, I said to them - hey, pass through. No tears, nothing. I panicked. Opened my eyes and it came to me:

Every experience is unique, wanting it to be the same is a form of control. Let every experience unfold and surprise you. Life delights in surprises.

I closed my eyes and began the process again. The thoughts were there however I realised that I had the opportunity to choose how I engaged with the thoughts as they came up. I realised that there is no right or wrong way to do this and its an opportunity to learn how to chose which thoughts I engage with. Many times we engage with thoughts that are stories, that harm us, that are unhelpful - that starts a loop and we end up feeling powerless and taking actions that are not in our best interests.

Meditation taught me that I get to choose what thoughts I want to engage in, it also taught me that there is no right or wrong way to meditate. It also taught me to recognise when I  am investing in self sabotaging thoughts, those that do not support me.  Thoughts come up all the time, I have the choice on engaging them or letting them pass through.


The thoughts come up and the cycle start, I catch it and say "oh, its you again!, Look at me thinking about this,  how interesting, what is another thought inside there that is more productive" I practice it.

Especially when I am going through a rough time. This is when I need to practice it the most. Recognizing the thoughts that are fueling my feelings of unworthiness or making up stories. 

The recognition of what I am thinking, speaking to it and affirming to myself that I can make a choice to change my thoughts, and love myself through it all.

I use a line from Chaka Khan's song "Do you love what you feel" If I love what I feel, I go with it. Brings a song I like into my head, that also shifts the thoughts

Peace 

Akosua's Books

Nyabo (Madam) Why Are You Here?

Now What? The Flipside

What Did I Learn Today? Lessons on the Journey to Unconditional Self Love

 

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