Show up

Remember the vision always. It will get you through the tough days. The dark moments. The worry. The fear. The questioning. The resignation. And the wonder. And make sure that vision is rooted deeply in your why. It will add wings to your rise. Maxie Mccoy

I attended a focus group on Wednesday night at the University, I walked in and sat quietly- being late and all- and was listening to the plenary speaker talk about poverty alleviation and playing our part in serving our country, as she ended and I was thinking about what role can I play in this exercise, someone on the table said to me 
"I quote you all the time, up to today I used one of your quotes"
"Me?"
"Yes, aren't you the author of the book What Did I Learn Today? I recognised the name"
I smiled and she went on to ask me what am I doing now and how did I manage to be so brave to write this book- as I was about to jump into the sanitized version of events I thought about how much I give the clean version of events when people ask me about the journey. I thought about why I give this version

I’m passionate about sharing my lessons with struggles and about talking about my own journey, warts and all. All of you know this because I write about my big questions, my own wondering, and my discomfort. Typically, only after I’ve figured it out for myself do I feel comfortable enough to share it. As Maya says "As you learn you teach"

Getting to where I’m at right this second shouldn’t be any different. This amazingly fortunate stage in my life feels like a gift every day. And from the outside I can see how fabulous it all looks...however, it has come with some majorly dark moments, some seriously anxious mornings, and plentyyyyy of self doubt and questioning.

When I ditched it all and peaced out for Africa it was because it was the only option I could see for myself in order to get there. I had spent  years giving my life to a  situation  that I believed would make me happy, content, financially secure and worldly. However,  this was shrouded in fear and not enoughness, in dishonour and secrets. The only option I could see was finding space – from my day-to-day, and from my comfort zone – to do something I wasn’t sure if I could do. Basically, I knew I needed to shock my system if I was ever going to feel like I alone was enough.

Oh, and let’s not forget that I didn’t exactly have the most amazing savings account to go a say screw it all let’s do this. Nottttt the case. I had  nothing, nada. It was more about survival than anything at that point.

And here’s where grace comes in: I landed in Manchester first and was asked to teach the University in the meantime while someone was on maternity leave so I was able to get cash

So I did. But I cannot tell you how many mornings I looked at myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth and said to myself “What the EFF are you doing here Yak.” Fear creeped in hard. None of the conversations were easy. I was so anxious to make this life change that I had to put pep talk sticky notes everywhere in order to get through each day and remind myself of what I was doing and why I was doing it.

I took it day by day. Change by change. In order to make this “giant leap” that everyone sees as something so amazing and bold. 90% of the time to me it just felt scary. Down to the first few nights in Kampala where I questioned over and over again, “What have I done!?”. My gut knew it was right, my head crept into fear.


I went through most of any money I saved once I moved back to T&T. I won’t soon forget the time I was down to my last  20 bucks and the electricity was cut off. I started looking for opportunities to work at a full time job. Oh universe, because shortly after that call...magic began to happen with all the seeds I'd spent months planting. Opportunities I didn’t even know were in the works presented themselves.  I knew things would work deep down, but there have been so many mornings it was a little hard to breathe because I was so sacred it wouldn’t.

And that’s more like the honest story. Am I proud of the bold moves I made? Absolutely. But was I scared out of my mind to do any of it? 100%. For every mind-blowing Instagram picture there’s probably been a thousand freaking out thoughts. I’d do it all over again to get to where I am.

And here’s why it’s important: because you cannot take your own panicky days and worried thoughts as a sign that you shouldn’t do something new and scary. You cannot compare your journey to the glossy one of someone else’s and then decide you’re not fit for this path. If you’re just as excited and energized as you are worried, it’s a sign. None of the big moments that get us to where we are today are ever comfortable. They may look huge from the outside, but on the inside in the moment they usually feel like some of the scariest things we’ve ever done.

Show up. The Universe got ya! trust that
Peace


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