What happens when we bury our story?
Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it—it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes - Brene Brown
Somehow there was always something happening around my life that had to be sanitised. Ever since I’ve known myself, I believed that I must only show my good side to “outsiders “ as I would be considered less than worthy and in return that is what I demanded of the “outsiders”.
I would hear the adults at the house on the Terrace where I grew up talking and the conversation seemed most of the time to be about who was making mistakes and being foolish, who was not being a good mother and wife and that shaped my view on what it meant to be excellent and suitable.
I made up my mind .I would be perfect. That meant doing well in school, speaking well, behaving like a proper lady in public. This went on to me making up my mind to getting married, having a good marriage, a good job and doing everything well. There would not be a family conference on me for sure!
Self imposed perfection, can be demanding especially when it’s so many times, untrue. I found myself working harder to keep up an image rather than working hard on what really mattered like being true, honest and saying how I really felt. Not letting people know where I am or how I felt. If anyone asks, how are you? I’m fine! I wasn’t fine! But I programmed myself to say and act “fine”
I was the poster child for having it all together, for being “fine “. I did well at school, boys were not even on my radar, I didn’t go to parties. I was content to be at home reading or watching football. If I asked to go out, it was rare and if I was told no I would be upset for days and walk around the house in a funk, talking to no one even when spoken to. It drove my folks crazy.
Excerpt from "What Did I Learn Today? - Lessons on the Journey to Unconditional Self Love"