Your existence should be enough

When you fall in love, let it be with a person who asks nothing of you. Your existence should be enough. If they do not kiss you urgently and often, find someone who understands that lips in the presence of love should ignite passion. (Natalie Patterson,brilliant poet)


Excerpt from What Did I Learn Today? Lessons on the Journey to Unconditional Self Love

It just felt right at the time! I met him and I immediately felt so safe! I had this feeling that he would always protect me, that he would always be there for me, put me first no matter what.

I never felt that way before at any time in my life, Anything I asked was ok, and anything I asked for he would find a way to either do it or support me in doing it. I started second guessing myself, is this real, can this be true! It seems that this guy is really the one!

And when I say anything it really was anything, washing my hair, going out to find watermelon for me at ungodly hours on a bike and riding miles to bring it back- on his back! Going with me to art galleries and seeing David Rudder shows when that was “old people thing” This must be love!

I was giddy yet terrified that it would come to a crashing halt when he realized that I was overweight and had no experience, or that my family was somewhat unconventional. But no, he kept coming back and coming back and coming back.

Then the whispers from within started after a few years, asking me “is feeling safe enough, is being romanced enough?”

“Of course it is! What else is there but feeling safe and loved?”

“What about you?” yeah what about me? Are you honoring yourself?

I don’t know what you mean and please be quiet, I am working the Plan.

And the voice stayed quiet for a while; it let me work the Plan. Funny thing I have learnt is that the Universe doesn’t censor, it just responds.

I was at home, just after Jay moved out, we were supposed to meet at 6 pm to “talk about transitioning the move back and starting over”, it is now 7.30 pm and I was blowing up his phone!

 I called about fifteen times, left loving messages at first then I started getting desperate and started leaving desperate messages. Still no response, let me try sending a text then, sent about 12! The voice returned. Get in the car and drive to his mother’s house right now. Huh? It’s late and I don’t drive in the night! Part of the whole me feeling protected scene was that he drove at night, never let me drive in the night because he wanted his babes to be safe!

I will wait until tomorrow. The whisper became a scream, just get in the car and drive, you are safe!

I got into the car and drove the 40 minutes to his mother’s house. She came outside, I asked for him, she looked very uncomfortable, told me he’s not here she hasn’t seen him all day. I went inside and the voice said go into the room where he would normally stay

I went into the room, no evidence of him ever being there! I went to the bathroom, nothing!

 I asked if I could wait as its late and it’s important, she said sure, wait in the car!

In the car? What? I wanted to cry! Ok I will wait in the car

I got in the car, the voice said, now you know he doesn’t stay here just go home! What?

Go home!

No I will wait!

I waited an hour, it was now very late and I had to prepare for work tomorrow. I drove back home and drove back to the house being broken into! It was then that I noticed a message from the neighbor that the alarm was going off. I was so preoccupied with all the other action happening that I didn’t even notice or hear my phone going off. The door was open, the computer’s gone and a small amount of jewelry.

Talk to me now I shouted, talk I’m listening what does this mean? Talk! Talk!! I screaming I was  hysterical! I decided to stay quiet as no one knows that Jay has moved out , no one knows that I am living alone except Jay and his mother! Or so I have convinced myself to believe. I call him, no answer, I left a message in my state of hysteria.

I called his mother, she answered, I explain what happened, "I will tell him  the next time I speak with him." 

I am pissed off, I want him to be so wrong, I want her to understand that I am hurting; I mean he has always been there to protect me. Why was she being this way?

The voice, now back to a whisper says to me call Leslie in the morning, tell her what happened, secure the house, you now live alone and will be for a long time! You will be fine! Honour yourself! 

What does honour myself mean? This is Plan A! Honour what? What?

I got up off the floor and called Leslie, she assisted me in getting the place secured, she offered to stay over, I said no its ok I am fine. She told me to go to the police and make a report, she called Jay told him what happened and then she said you will be fine, I am leaving the country for a while.

He sends me a text message

“Kous there is nothing you try will get me to come over there tonight, can’t you just understand and let me do things my way? I don’t believe you and stop the drama!"