Am I giving love or am I simply afraid to leave

If we believe that our happiness lies in another person's behavior, we are going to be sorely disappointed. There is not a human being on this planet that can make you or me happy. If they could, we would be their slave because we would have also given them the power to withdraw our happiness at any moment. Relationships are a learning experience. Our goal is to have harmonious and loving relationships with ourselves. Ruth Clotworthy

We had lunch at one of "our" favorite spots. They knew us as a young ambitious couple, when we walked in the spot hugs and kisses passed with the hosts, they knew the table we liked, it was made ready. 

We came in separate cars, why? because we were separated, living separate lives yet pretending that we were still the married happy loving ambitious couple. As we sat down, my insides were churning, is this the day  my happiness returns? 

We sat and talked about the past, how we are a team and we can do anything together, totally side stepping the elephant in the room! That he was living with someone else and that I was so unconscious and in denial of myself and my worth that I was willing to forgive and forget it all just to "have my happiness back!" 

He told me that  he was moving back later on that day, that today is the day.

Yes, happiness has returned, I was happy, I am happy, yet why does my tummy hurt so much? I am happy right? Am I not supposed to feel better? I decided that the feelings were unimportant, happiness will be returned today.
Fast forward to the night, no sign of him, then a text came " I am never coming back, good bye" 
I walked to the bottom of my hill feeling helpless and in a daze! My happiness is gone. What do I do now? I stood at the bottom of the hill for about an hour, what else is there to do at this moment? Is there anything else to make me happy? I thought it was impossible.
It took some time to get to the point of realizing and owning that I had indeed outsource my happiness and it is my responsibility to create and live the life that I want, to do things that make me happy. 
Blame and projection is easy, its easy to say someone else should do
Allow me to accept that blame diminishes me, and puts out my spark and hands by power over to another

So here is my lesson:
As easy as it is to blame someone else, to try to ignore what you feel, to call your pain a sacrifice for love, you are not being loving or wise to do so.
Eventually you will be held responsible for everything you experience and how you have responded to it.
Love does not ask us to lose ourselves, harm ourselves or sacrifice ourselves for its sake.
Love offers itself to us, measure for measure what we offer it
If you are being dishonored and disrespected for the love you give, you must ask yourself "Am I really giving love, or am I simply afraid to leave?

I now do something every single day that makes me happy and have topped outsourcing my happiness!


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